Coping with Narcissistic Parents

Adults who have grown up with narcissistic parents often find themselves grappling with their inability to put themselves first, over the needs of their parents. They may also struggle with feelings of inadequacy, irrespective of how much they achieve in their lives because they have been conditioned to believe that they don’t deserve happiness unless they achieve some unattainable standard set by their parents. Failure to reach these unrealistic goals often leads to anxiety and depression. They are also prone to self-blaming tendencies at any given situation, as they have, from a very young age, been exposed to a pattern of blame-shifting, where they have always been held responsible for the shortcomings of their parents. They may have a hard time regulating their emotions and communicating them in a healthy way. They might also experience great difficulty with expressing their feelings and desires in other relationships, as they have always been told that their needs do not matter, ultimately leading to people-pleasing behaviour.

Here are some of the ways in which you can cope with the effects of narcissistic parental abuse:

Accepting that you can never change a narcissist

Once you have realised the patterns of manipulation employed by your narcissistic parent, it’s important to also make peace with the fact that they will likely never change, unless they want to. It only leads to more hurt when you see that no matter how hard you try, they might never acknowledge that pain they have caused you and make themselves better.

Establish solid boundaries

Communicate to them what your boundaries are in regards to their involvement in your life. You need to convey that you will no longer be tolerant of any negative outbursts and attacks to your character. They need to know that these intrusive behaviours will lead you to walk away from them. Your narcissistic parent likely has a fear of abandonment and might lash out even as you try to enforce these boundaries, so be prepared for the worst. It might be helpful to avoid a combative tone while trying to establish said boundaries with them.

Practice compassion for yourself

Being raised by a narcissistic parent does not leave room for experiencing a normal childhood. Do not accept their hurtful words and actions against you to be rooted in reality, because they are not an accurate representation of all that you are, as a person. Show yourself kindness and make effort to relearn who you are, separate from your relationship with your parent. Show your battered inner child, the compassion they deserved growing up and nurture them.

Allowing yourself to be cared for

It can be really hard being vulnerable with friends, partners and other members of your family, especially when you are used to dealing with your problems all by yourself. But when you find the people who can create a safe space for you to open up without fear of judgement, allow yourself to lean on them. It’s okay to let your guards down from time to time, to not think of yourself as a burden for simply seeking help.

It’s okay to walk away

It can be very hard to believe, but your narcissistic parent probably does love you deep down, but they are inept at conveying the same because they are suffering an illness which will likely never allow them to. You can always try to show them compassion for the same, but it is also not the only choice you can make. The kind of relationship that you want to have with your parent entirely depends on what you need to move forward with your life. It’s okay to cease all contact with them, if you see no improvement, even after consistent efforts at conveying your boundaries and resisting their attempts at regaining control over your life. There need not be any in guilt in prioritising your mental health, walk away till you are better equipped to deal with them. It’s also okay if you don’t ever want to reconnect. Everything happens on your terms.

Working through your complicated relationship with your parent and your journey to healing might feel like an exhausting uphill battle. Coming to terms with narcissistic behaviors in a parent can be difficult, but it’s also the first step toward healing. By prioritizing your emotional well-being, you are working towards regaining agency over your life and creating space for more balanced, fulfilling relationships. Make the decisions that best suit the future you envision for yourself and always remember to treat yourself with tenderness.