“You need to get married at the right age..”
“Time is running out..”
“10 Things You Must Do Before You Turn 30”
Have you ever heard of these lines? It could be the society or people around you implying that there is always a suitable time for everything. In that span, you must complete X number of things that will be ‘right’ for you.
But what if it doesn’t work out?
Have you felt that you are ‘falling behind’ in comparison to others? That something was wrong with you?
Well, this is due to CHRONONORMATIVITY.
Chrononormativity is a word proposed by Elizabeth Freeman, which implies that we all go through different stages of life. Therefore, we must complete X number of things within a specific period to ensure smooth transitions in other stages of life. (For, e.g., completing education to earn money that will help you have a married life).
In the Indian context, this is usually how things are expected to function:
Complete education by age 25.
Find a suitor (of the opposite sex only) immediately after you complete your education.
Give birth to babies before you turn 30.
There is a ‘script’ that is expected to be followed by people. And when even one decision feels like it will deviate from this normative script, fingers are pointed at you, and you might be subjected to criticism and judgment. The instances where it is received positively are rare.
So, who creates these chrononormative scripts?
The answer isn’t one person but an amalgamation of factors that cement these scripts, so much so that one deals with immense resistance when one tries to deflect from the norms to create one’s own. These factors can be your family values, religion, culture, sexual orientation, gender identity, socioeconomic status, or biological factors, which can be one’s positions of privilege or disadvantage.
For instance, in recent years, youngsters have been aiming to get married later in their lives to achieve their career milestones and find someone on their own by dating. This is often met with resistance from the older generations, who have always followed an entirely opposite script. And if what you want to do isn’t something that is glorified in the media or not followed by peers around you, often people wonder:
- 1. Am I doing something wrong?
- Am I losing out on something?
- What if I regret getting married at a later stage?
- What if I actually don’t find someone and end up being alone?
…and so on.
While these thoughts and feelings of confusion are valid, these questions need more attention that we might often fail to explore.
Imagine that you and person X have been given a piece of clothing to design a dress. You are both given the same piece of clothing but your measurements, body type – and many other factors will help you make a decision that suits YOU. Similarly, even though we all get the normative script in our cultural context, tweaking a few elements that will tailor your wants and needs can help you build the life you want.
But it’s also important to realize that sometimes one’s circumstances might not align with chrononormative standards, whether you like it or not. For instance, when we think about marriage, we only assume heterosexual couples are getting married. But suppose someone is queer and wants to get married in this country. In that case, the present scenario of how same-sex marriage hasn’t been legalized yet doesn’t align with their desire. Such a situation can also lead to angst, sadness, and helplessness. This isn’t a circumstance created out of personal choice and makes one aware that sometimes, not everything is in our control as much as we like it to be. So, we tend to find alternative ways to deal with it.
We aren’t concluding that chrononormative ways of living are always disadvantageous; there are also positive sides to it. For some, chrononormativity provides them with a structure of living, can give them a sense of stability, and makes them feel less lonely.
So, the idea is not to rebel against the chrononormative standards but to understand that our circumstances, contextual environment, and personal values can influence our way of living.
So how can one dive deep into this? Here are 3 ways:
1. Therapy:
Going to therapy and discussing your life situations and exploring your personal values with a mental health professional can help you understand what is essential in your life and help you focus on your areas of interest, thereby helping to ensure overall satisfaction. If you want to book a session with a therapist, The Bare Talk is here for you!
2. Be curious:
Being curious can help you pause, reflect, and be aware of your thoughts about a particular situation. But sometimes, it can make you feel that you might be the only one having these thoughts. Discussing these thoughts with your peers or a loved one who can provide you with the emotional support to express your emotions unfiltered is a good idea.
3. Try to learn different things:
This can be achieved by watching movies, reading books, watching documentaries, and talking to people from different backgrounds. This can help to understand how each person’s life is so varied and how the same decision has changed many people’s lives in other ways that it can help to understand more about the complexities of making a decision instead of merely accepting what has been told by the society; which can often be one-dimensional in nature. For instance, the one-dimensional idea is that marriage will always lead to happiness when, in reality, many people have been in abusive and unhappy marriages. The idea is to understand the multiple aspects of a situation and do what is best for you.
Do you have any ideas for us to think of a different way of decoding chrononormativity?
Did reading this article help you to connect with your experiences?
Let us know in the comment section!
References:
Daigle-Orians, C. (2023). I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Jaffe, S. (2018, January 10). Queer Time: The alternative to “adulting” – JSTOR daily. Queer Time: The Alternative to “Adulting.” https://daily.jstor.org/queer-time-the-alternative-to-adulting/
Ylänne, V., & Nikander, P. (2019). Being an ‘older parent’: Chrononormativity and practices of stage of life categorisation. Text & Talk, 39(4), 465-487.
